you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
