He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
