you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she peed on how many people?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
