She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You don't make any sense
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