the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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