I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
