Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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