She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
