i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
