im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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