I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
