the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
