someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
