I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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