I can text with my tongue
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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