i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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