theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
