i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
