I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
