12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
