my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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