Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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