She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
