OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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