They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We just shotgunned beers for America
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
