i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
