the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
