I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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