distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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