Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
