She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
