porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
