A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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