his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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