and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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