Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
