Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I need a beard to bite.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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