So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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