I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
