I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
