what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
