I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize