Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
