So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
