I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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