Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
