and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
