He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is it because I queefed?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
