Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
