She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
