did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
