At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
