In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
