Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
