Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize