I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The uberlube is also flammable
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
