some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
