just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
