I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
