My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
sex in a hospital.. check
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
