I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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