I think my fart just growled at me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
