she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize