You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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