as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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