i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
